I mean.. It’s almost as if I manifested it for myself in my last blog post.
I was always kinda terrified of The Little Mermaid growing up. The scene where Ursula steals Ariel's voice, scarring me from infinity to in-fin-ity. To me, the glamorous villain may as well have finished the job and stolen her entire soul.
Raised by the internet and a true ENFJ, my entire identity revolves around communication. So what happens when you lose the ability to do that? When your entire life becomes reminiscent of writer’s block or even sleep paralysis? When that separation between body and mind totally takes over? Okay a little bit dramatic Ranye.
Honestly, I was a little concerned about whether other people could sense the utter nothingness. Could they tell I felt shy? Do they think I’m being rude because I’m not talking? It was tempting to carry around a sign that said “I promise I have something to say but I just can’t right now and no, I’m not sure exactly why’.
Having never been tasked with coming out of my shell, I instead felt exiled into one. Conversations exhausted me, writing no longer excited me and all I wanted to do was hide away and be totally alone. The absence of ‘feeling sparkly’ totally depressed me. I just felt dull. I had woken up to a new reality that I could either give up on or learn to better understand.
I suppose I was stupid to think that I could emerge from multiple sequences of change unscathed. My sense of self stealthy disintegrated under my nose. I wasn’t the same and worse still, I had absolutely no clue who I was. Couple that with a plethora of housing issues, family conflict and friendship breakdowns… you have what felt like a silent disaster. The online world would usually be my escape from all of this overwhelming life stuff but this time it didn’t help at all. In fact, scrolling on social media began to give me literal nightmares. I realised how I was involuntarily consuming so much content and discovered the evil that lies within a TikTok ‘for you’ page. It’s interesting how users are led to believe that the videos appearing on their feed are carefully curated by this invisible algorithm for their viewing pleasure… when really big tech are controlling our views opinions and general life choices. Perhaps I’m rambling a bit now.
One thing's for sure, as a reaction to all of this anxiety my shell closed in on me even more. I just didn’t trust anyone or anything anymore and I wanted to make sure that no one really knew what I was thinking. That’s when I knew I’d hit a bit of a pre-quarter-life crisis. I was totally lost. The hardest part of all of this is acknowledging that despite my new resolution to be braver, I am still more reserved now. I’ve tapped into my shy side and I understand her. I am her after all. When extroverts feel this sinking feeling of not knowing how to express themselves anymore, are they actually just honing their ability to recharge on their own? Are they just becoming more observant? Have they really lost anything at all?
I’m not as scared of The Little Mermaid anymore.
