Just Existing

This past year and a bit has been nothing but mystifying *well duh, some random pathogen has been ruining our lives*

It's safe to say that everyone has just been existing, floating... disorientated. 

Well, try being a millennium baby and living through a global pandemic, when you were already all of those things to begin with. 

After coming home from the most atrocious day out and unpromising start to my hot girl summer, I realised that, unfortunately, life getting back to normal won't magically cure me of: 'I-have-no-clue-what-i-am-doing-itis'.

I guess that when you reach 20, putting yourself out there doesn't become any less horrific! Every time I step outside of my comfort zone, I feel like I need to hit the emergency erase button and change my hair colour or name - nowadays, whilst blasting Jealousy Jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo of course. 

I always assumed that adulthood would be a huge stepping stone towards self-assurance, confidence and a super zen presence of mind. Like you just sort of 'fake it til you make it', which is all well and good until you lose sight of who you really are, or at least who you used to be. 

When we were locked away in our homes we had no choice but to reconnect with our true selves. There wasn't really anyone to impress once we'd shut down our laptops and turned off our phones. Just the people who'd seen us at our worst - and loved us anyway. 

There was no searching for approval, and as the world is opening up, I find myself searching for that again. 

The somewhat abrupt shift from 'just existing' to making the most of everything is bound to trigger a plethora of premature quarter-life crises. I'm more than prepared to be a shoulder to cry on, whilst crying on someone else's, about the fact that we were thrust into our 20s far too soon. We just didn't really get to be nineteen or say goodbye to being a kid. Grossly unfair if you ask me. 

Although I'm complaining in this blog post (because let's be real, when am I not). I sincerely want to try this thing that I think adults do: focusing on the positives and everything one has to be grateful for - surviving a pandemic being one of them. Something that I've learnt amongst the uncertainty and chaos is that acknowledging worries and fears is the first step towards extinguishing them. I'm going to keep putting myself out there and I'm going to give entering this new phase of existence, my very best shot.

"You don't have to lose the girl to become the woman", after all - perhaps a gossip girl quote, but it sounds intellectual so we needn't focus on that.